Oh, processed foods of yesteryear, we hardly knew ye. As kids, many of us took for granted that one day, some of our favorite goodies would be long gone. As we sipped and snacked on stuff that was no good for us in the first place, we never even considered the notion that those delights wouldn't be around forever. We could have truly savored that final taste of artificial flavoring as we licked the tips of our fingers covered in colors not found in nature. Sigh.
Let's take a trip down memory lane – minus the bloating and bellyaches – and reminisce about some of those palate-pleasing processed foods that are now "extinct." Sure, new ones have taken their place, but these "oldies but goodies" deserve an encore. They may never return to store shelves, but they certainly deserve a more formal final goodbye.
Jell-O Pudding Pops
Jell-O Pudding Pops i.pinimg.com
It's hard to separate the thought of Jell-O Pudding Pops from the brand's former ambassador, Bill Cosby, but take the salacious current events out of the picture and try to remember those smooth and creamy frozen treats that made pudding really pop. Cosby helped make them famous, but kids and adults alike would probably would have gobbled them up without a celeb's convincing.
Through the 1990s, the pops were selling in stores across America… 'till they weren't. What happened? As per Culinary Lore, "The Jell-O name was licensed to Popsicle, the same people who make the inferior Fudgesicles, and they began marketing Popsicle brand Jell-O Pudding Pops." The shape and recipe were tweaked, and sales plummeted. Circa 2011, the pops popped off the radar. Alas, we'd have to consume pudding the old-fashioned way once again. Pass a spoon please.
Heinz EZ Squirt Ketchup
Ketchup that is easy to squirt is something we can jump on board with, but Heinz EZ Squirt Ketchup turned "easy" into "queasy." We all love dipping our French fries into the bright red condiment, but when Heinz went full-prism spectrum on us, the short-lived marketing concept went bust faster than we regretted buying a bottle of the questionable stuff in the first place.
Yes, kids loved the idea of purple or orange ketchup, and when the brand released 'Blastin' Green' to coincide with Shrek, they thought they found liquid gold. But fads are fun for a while until consumers long for food that doesn't resemble unicorn barf. By early 2006, red was the new black, once again.
We see pro athletes as well as teens who hang out at 7-11 slug back Gatorade like it's going out of style, but what did, in fact, go out of style back in 1989 was the brand's gum… Gatorgum. What sounds like a reptilian dental condition was actually a super-sour chewing "gum for active people" which claimed to quench thirst. If you ever had some yourself, you remember how it made your salivary glands ache as you eagerly unwrapped that first piece from a brand-new pack. The good old days.
Gatorade stopped making the gum, but their beverages are still being sold by the boatloads. We wised up and realized that gum really can't quench thirst very effectively after all.
Pepsi is as American as apple pie, but thankfully, apple pie has never been dyed blue, as far as anyone knows anyhow. So, why Pepsi… why did you have to take a good thing and make it a not-so-good thing? Pepsi Blue, a bright blue carbonated berry-flavored beverage was created in 2002 and only lasted in America for two years.
Cloyingly-sweet and extra-sticky, this drink may have made kids bounce off the walls as they marveled at their alien tongues, but parents weren't too pleased to learn that the freaky blue color was made using Blue 1, an "agent banned in numerous countries." Pepsi is unhealthful enough, were they trying to kill us?
Surely some dopey kid choked on a delicious Butterfinger BB and caused Nestle to shelve their tasty morsels of the traditional Butterfinger candy bar, ruining the fun for everyone. We all remember how much Bart Simpson loved his Butterfinger bars, so imagine his disappointment when the BBs were discontinued around 2006.
When eating a normal-sized candy bar seemed too daunting, chocolate and peanut butter fans could get a quick fix by popping those crispy BBs into their pie-holes one at a time. And lovers of the canned candy are pissed. There is even a Change.org page set up to petition to bring the candy back. Hey, everyone has a cause that tugs at their heartstrings.
Star Wars and cereal fans' worlds collided when Kellogg's introduced C-3PO's cereal in the mid-80s. Crunchy and honey-sweetened, the three-grain cereal shaped like little figure-eights was a kid-favorite breakfast treat.
Naturally, each box came with a prize inside, like trading cards and masks, making the eating experience more like a morning at the movies. The cereal had a nice 16-year "shelf life" but was canned in 2000. Maybe the lack of marshmallow bits was its downfall.
Carnation Breakfast Bar
Carnation Breakfast Bargbnfgroceries.blogspot.com
The on-the-go Carnation Breakfast Bar was a fan favorite, bringing great taste, nutrition, and a sweet treat to the breakfast table or lunchbox. Chewy and crunchy, the granola bar/candy bar/energy bar goodie was covered in chocolate and made breakfast fun.
There were various flavors to choose from including chocolate chip, chocolate crumb, granola with peanut butter, and caramel nut crunch. And according to the box, "One bar with a glass of milk (made) a complete meal!" Who needed eggs and sausage when breakfast came from a cardboard box?
From 1975-1993 Carnation Breakfast Bars were in the hands of hungry kids and adults alike, making us wonder what they've been eating since.