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Uncomfortable answers to the inevitable questions

By J.A. HaglDecember 16, 2016

life lol
life lol Jane Hagel

Between the seasonal parties, Friendsgiving, and two family dinners, you chit chat your way from November 25 to January 1. Along with an abundance of food, a full social calendar comes with tons of conversations filled with catching-up questions. Sometimes an unexpected answer is the best way to sidestep questions. 

1. "How' is life treating you?”

What you want to say:  “Lol, so many lols.”

A sarcastic yet plausible response: "I’ve started collecting lavender and white musk candles, all of my house plants have names and my cereal is color-coded. I'm living on the edge.”

A totally, completely ridiculous response:  Just roll your eyes to the back of your head. It will suffice.

2. Hey, so how is work?

What you want to say: ”I’m semi-stressed out because I should have finished two projects this week. Also, I’m concerned that I’m falling behind on the corporate ladder but I don’t want to root all of my life's success in business achievements."

A sarcastic yet plausible response: “Just great. I’m never stressed."

A totally, completely ridiculous response:  “I’ve actually quit my job so I could collect leaves of grass from all species in the Northern Hemisphere. After I’ve finished, I’m going to weave the leaves into a tapestry to hang above my bed.”

3. How’s the new place? 

What you want to say:  "I killed my cactus by watering it too much and the neighbors seem to practice a clogging routine at 2 a.m. Every night. I should look into purchasing a home since rent is skyrocketing and a home is a better long-term investment but I can’t. I’m crippled by the weight of student loans for a liberal arts degree that’s completely irrelevant to my current life.”

A normal response: “It’s great. I’m still unpacking from moving two years ago."

A totally, completely ridiculous response:  "I’ve actually purchased eight tiny homes and located them in several cities across the world. They each have a theme based on my moods, so I pick the house I live in for the day depending on my mood. The commute is a struggle."

4. Hey, what happened to your significant other?

The truth: “ We broke up.”

A sarcastic yet plausible response: “He decided to take time to develop a personality, a code of ethics and better grooming habits.”

A totally, completely ridiculous response: “ An alien abduction. Last I heard, he was traveling on the outside edge of the Milky Way. They expect to collide with the Death Star any day now."

5. Are you seeing anyone?

What you want to say: “Wine and Netflix.”

A sarcastic yet plausible response: “Wine and Netflix."

The truth: “Wine and Netflix."

6. When Grandma asks when you're going to make her a great-grandmother.

What you want to say: “Someday.” You can’t crush Grandma’s heart. 

A plausible response: “After I’m in a good place in my career, my true love comes along, and if child-rearing expenses don’t eclipse our combined student loans."

A very plausible response: “My ovaries shriveled up so small they disappeared into a black hole after I saw three simultaneous temper-tantrums in Target's toy aisle."