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How to exceptionally fail at resolutions

By J.A. HaglJanuary 9, 2017

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A reflective internal monologue during the last week of December:

“You know what, I had some really low points in 2016. There were some unforeseen circumstances but it really wasn’t the year’s fault. I could have done a better job of reacting or planning for certain life incidents. If I took better care of myself, maybe I would feel better. Elle Woods once said exercise is the key to happiness since your endorphins increase. I would probably have more purpose if I focused on relationships and career. You know this year, I going to make a few resolutions. Scratch that not resolutions, but goals. There is a difference. I am going to take better care of myself, I am going to improve my financial situation, I’m going to be a better friend and I‘m going to focus on my career.”

  • Proceeds to write down four pages worth of SWOT plans in a newly purchased bullet journal.

 

Reality:

Goal 1: Take better care of myself.

  • In the last week of December, determined to jump-start an improved me, I start daily exercise and healthy eating.
  • January 2, 2016: Eats donuts and cold pizza for breakfast, a hot dog for a midmorning snack and more pizza for an afternoon snack.
  • Consumes an entire plate of chicken and waffles portioned for Michael Phelps in Olympic training mode the following day. 
  • Day drinking happens Thursday through Sunday.
  • Hasn’t worked out in one week.
  • Lets gym membership expire and has no plans to renew it.
  • Lets manicure grow out so much that it looks like a floating manicure. Actually, that might be a plus.
  • Goes to be at 2 a.m. because of seven-hour Real Housewives of Beverly Hills binge watch.

Goal 2: Financial security

  • Waits approximately three days before spending so much money that the debit card gets canceled since the spending triggers fraud alerts.
  • Forgets to cancel Ipsy and Stichfix subscriptions and then forgets to return all items in the boxes. Which means a $400 charge on the debit card.
  • Doesn’t save anything.
  • Spends $200 on one dinner before buying a round for the entire bar when the Dolphins lost. 

Goal 3: Focusing on my career

  • Takes two Ferris Bueller days back to back and plans the next skip-life-day.
  • Hasn't responded to any emails.
  • Late on a super important project.
  • Realizes how much work it would be to get a promotion
  • Decides paper pushing is the life path.
  • Scratches out career goals from resolutions list.

Goal 4: A better friend

  • Ignores group message for one week.
  • Skip dinner with friends. (Too busy binge-watching Real Housewives Beverly Hills)
  • Forgets an anniversary, a birthday and a friend’s pet’s funeral.
  • Renews Netflix, Amazon video and Hulu subscriptions in lieu of making plans with friends. HBO will make up for the lack action in life, romantic comedies from the 40s will fill the need for a romantic relationship and the sitcom Friends will make me feel like I have friends left.
  • Considers why you pay for unlimited text and talk when you only use your phone to communicate with granny, parents, and online forums.

2017 is beginning to look a lot like 2016.