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Attempts at politely declining a wedding invite

By J.A. HaglApril 11, 2017

beach wedding
beach wedding

A thick, buttery cream envelope addressed to me, yes me, comes in the mail. The invitation is painstakingly in good taste. It’s to the upcoming nuptials of someone I know but I don’t have a single atom in my body doesn’t want to go.

So I RSVP no before the deadline, like a reasonable and responsible adult.

Unfortunately for you, you see the bride at the coffee shop. You should have gone to the usual Starbucks. After browsing at the overpriced coffee mug display, I head to the register to place my order. I didn’t look at the rose gold ceramic tumbler long enough because now she’s waving at me.

I can act like a normal person, so I wave back.

“Hi!” She’s extra excited. Who wouldn’t be in her shoes? She is getting married in 32 days!

“Hi, how’s everything going?” I hope my coffee is ready extra fast today.

“Just great! The wedding is coming along. Oh, by the way, I saw that you RSVP’d no. Why can’t you come? You should totally come.”

My eyes grow to the size I wished they were. I tilt my head slightly to check to see if my coffee has arrived. Nope. The newbie is making my non-fat latte with an extra shot and half a pump vanilla.

What shall I say?

I start running excuses through my head.

I am getting married that day in Vegas to my last Tinder date. That’s not believable— I haven’t been on a date in eight months. I'm going to be doing an interview with a NASA aeronautical engineer to do research for an upcoming movie. But I am not doing a sequel to Hidden Figures. I'm going to be looking for vacation homes in the south of France. Except you’re a 20-something freelance writer.

“I’m sorry I would love to, but I am going to be recovering from surgery.” Surgery! What surgery do you need?!? Could you not have gone with travel plans, another engagement or anything else?

“Oh, I’m sorry! What surgery?” she feigns concern. Seriously, how long does it take to make a small coffee?

“I’m getting all four wisdom teeth taken out that Saturday morning,” I reply. “I just can’t put it off any longer.”

“Well, that’s rough! I had to take a ton of Vicodin when I got mine. Well, we're just going to hang out after the honeymoon!”

Well, now I'm going to have to have my wisdom teeth removed. My dentist will be happy. 

"Latte for Jane!" I take a sip. It's a plain coffee.